I Was Eye Was I

Photo by v2osk on Unsplash

It was like this. I closed my eyes on any given date and wondered if perhaps I was immersed in a matrix in which the true reality, to which few can access, was hidden behind a false showcase. During that flashing moment, I did not see millions of green letters giving me clarity, rather, I was Alicelesly falling into my inner self, ignoring how, while the world remained immobile. As Ellie Arroway I lived an experience, I had a real vision although scientifically unverifiable and inexplicable and like her I wished that everyone, if only for one…moment, could feel…that awe, and humility, and hope…

Contact and Matrix were fused at that point. Reality became science fiction and science fiction was real while I was leaving behind the understanding that I should only believe in the existence of my own mind, and that the reality that surrounded me was unknowable. There was not only me, but I was also not alone. I immobilized my solipsism for a zeptosecond and stumbled upon that life was a death and death, a life. I sensed in my unexplored domestic space that before I was born I already existed, transcendent to myself. I found out that I had died to the eternal by coming to the temporal and spatial world, limited, ordered and evident.

In the drive-in theater there the life before my birth in my mother’s womb remained projected. I noticed that my first existence had been veiled, covered by a fine cloth of mystery and abstraction, inaccessible to my little human mind. In fact, the discernment, the brain, and the psyche had no role there because I was unable to remember the past life, although it was displayed before my gaze. I interpreted that as I materialized myself in bodily flesh, I was gradually forgetting the brushstrokes of immateriality and the preceding immortality. I found that to be born is to die perpetually and that like Juan de Yepes Álvarez I live yet do not live in me, am waiting as my life goes by, and die because I do not die.

I sat on an indeterminate stone of my soul to meditate on who I was before being in this space that is my body. Arising I declared that the daily human mission was to remember the eagerness that it had had before being corporeal. I was born on a specific day, December 20, to this earthly realm, and on another unforgettable date, I discovered why and for what, as the wise words of Mark Twain. In this minute passage of time that is the passing of human, borrowed from a body, strange and fleeting, I was dying little by little, day by day, irreversibly. And the epilogue, like Manrique’s song, was arriving so quietly…

I continued with my eyes closed and my dull mind pondering as I went through my substance. Like a cow I ruminated about the reasons for being here, who I was here and suddenly my imagination awakened and I understood that I remembered having been before being in this complex organism gifted or commissioned or delegated or own that we call body. This was a platform to be thrown into infinity to return home. But the questions continued: from whom were we a gift? For whom it is? Where to find what we lack and what completes us? When is life born? Without waking up, I was dying, slowly, a thousand and one times. I died existing, but I died because I did not die.

From there, turned into a Cathar, I outraged my physical space and accused it of its nonsense, but my mind, the only reality, Descartes’s cogito ergo sum, reminded me that I needed it. From that small, tiny, imperceptible, mysterious and forgotten inner field I enjoyed what I did not know, understood the incomprehensible and remembered the eternal delights that I had once enjoyed. I did not want to emerge; I was at peace and attached to my body.

In that unknown space that was my interior, I walked like a tourist and looked with new eyes at the surprising magic of my own being. I was in the delicate, ethereal womb that I supposed shared with each created individual. I perceived there that time happened horizontally to our body. It came from the front and fled backwards and in that place where we are, that little moment of our biography, that crossing point is the only space we have. Nothing more and nothing less. The gift of perpetual radiance.

As a soul passenger on an unintelligible journey, I distinguished the years. At times I was so aware of where I wanted to go that I forgot to do my best where I was. I reached the turning of the present, that Cartesian axis that shows where we have to be. The here and now. The X marked the place of the treasure and there it was, owner of that space, rich in temporality and territory.

In that place time stopped like a milestone. The aromas were delicious and the rumors melodic. I didn’t feel locked up or tied up or trapped. That imperceptible crossroads was a daily miracle, evident but hidden from the eyes crowded with things in the consciousness. My mind, the only certainty, had deceived me. I opened my eyes. Woke up. I was more than my space, my body, my intelligence and my moment. I was… not space and time. I was eternal, infinity in the present.

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